Monday 29 January 2018

Anxiety and the future

Anxiety has played a huge part in my life for nearly 2 years. It started when I found out I was pregnant, and has continued ever since. The other day I was in floods of tears, over the fact I couldn't find a pair of scissors. I know I sounds nuts, but it's my reality at the moment. Initially I put it down to baby blues, then tiredness, but I can't make excuses any longer. I just hope that it doesn't continue affecting my life.

I feel like I'm a huge cross roads in my life. It's only now that I'm finally getting some sleep, that I'm having time to reflect on life and what I want from it.  

Now I've been back to work 5 months and it's still not getting any easier. I regularly cry on the way to work, and sometimes again in the evening when they go down to bed. They are brilliant at going to bed now, and sleep from 7pm. This means I get them for 2 hours in the evening, and it's often filled with hungry and tired whining. I've mentioned in previous posts that I'm not enjoying my job anymore. If we could afford it, I'd happily be a SAHM. Although it's probably done wonders to get me out of the house, as I'd happily hide away with my boys. Anxiety is a crazy thing. I'd even talk myself out of going to twin club! 

Sitting here reflecting on this means, I want to give my boys as many experiences as possible. I want them to travel and be cultured, but I also want them to appreciate the small stuff, like family, nature...

I'd love more children. If money was no object I'd have 6 (I've always liked that number), but that isn't realistic. But one more in a few of years time would be amazing.

My husband and I met 10 years ago (when I was 18), and married 3.5 years ago. He became a police officer 2 years into our relationship. It came with working shifts, which worked for us. We'd individually have our lives/ friends, and then we'd have specific quality time when it was just us. 

We moved in together when I was 21. It came to my attention very quickly that he was incredibly lazy (censored version), and many threats of separation was screamed at the top of my lungs, for him to sort out his act. Things like; wet towels left on the floor, washing everywhere, a mountain of glasses left by the bed... (you get the picture). This was hard enough, but when the kids came along and extra chores were added to my list, I was ready to blow. 

I'm still on his back to sort his act out. I know I can't change him, but that doesn't mean I have to settle. I was more accepting of it whilst I was on maternity leave, but now we're both working he should do his fair share, without arguments.  The lack of order in my home flares up my anxiety.

I have debated going down the CBT route. Has anybody done this?