Monday 29 January 2018

Anxiety and the future

Anxiety has played a huge part in my life for nearly 2 years. It started when I found out I was pregnant, and has continued ever since. The other day I was in floods of tears, over the fact I couldn't find a pair of scissors. I know I sounds nuts, but it's my reality at the moment. Initially I put it down to baby blues, then tiredness, but I can't make excuses any longer. I just hope that it doesn't continue affecting my life.

I feel like I'm a huge cross roads in my life. It's only now that I'm finally getting some sleep, that I'm having time to reflect on life and what I want from it.  

Now I've been back to work 5 months and it's still not getting any easier. I regularly cry on the way to work, and sometimes again in the evening when they go down to bed. They are brilliant at going to bed now, and sleep from 7pm. This means I get them for 2 hours in the evening, and it's often filled with hungry and tired whining. I've mentioned in previous posts that I'm not enjoying my job anymore. If we could afford it, I'd happily be a SAHM. Although it's probably done wonders to get me out of the house, as I'd happily hide away with my boys. Anxiety is a crazy thing. I'd even talk myself out of going to twin club! 

Sitting here reflecting on this means, I want to give my boys as many experiences as possible. I want them to travel and be cultured, but I also want them to appreciate the small stuff, like family, nature...

I'd love more children. If money was no object I'd have 6 (I've always liked that number), but that isn't realistic. But one more in a few of years time would be amazing.

My husband and I met 10 years ago (when I was 18), and married 3.5 years ago. He became a police officer 2 years into our relationship. It came with working shifts, which worked for us. We'd individually have our lives/ friends, and then we'd have specific quality time when it was just us. 

We moved in together when I was 21. It came to my attention very quickly that he was incredibly lazy (censored version), and many threats of separation was screamed at the top of my lungs, for him to sort out his act. Things like; wet towels left on the floor, washing everywhere, a mountain of glasses left by the bed... (you get the picture). This was hard enough, but when the kids came along and extra chores were added to my list, I was ready to blow. 

I'm still on his back to sort his act out. I know I can't change him, but that doesn't mean I have to settle. I was more accepting of it whilst I was on maternity leave, but now we're both working he should do his fair share, without arguments.  The lack of order in my home flares up my anxiety.

I have debated going down the CBT route. Has anybody done this? 

Monday 1 January 2018

New year... What's to come for 2018?

Happy New Year from the Craig’s! 

When the boys came along Gav and I were comfortably living in our 2 up 2 down mid terrace home. Suddenly the boys arrived and so did their “stuff”! “Oh it’s a few more nappies” they said. No it really isn’t. There’s two of absolutely everything. I started by saying “they’ll have to share,” but when you are chronically sleep deprived you will do most anything for a chance of both babies being silent for just 10 minutes together, so in rolls 2 x bouncers, 2 x swings, 2 x jumperoos.... Whilst having to complete the baby equipment slalom in our living room, I used to look forward to when they turned a year and this stuff would be gone. Well it’s gone, but it’s yet replaced with more “stuff” that they can now spread around! My living room looks like 'Ikea' and 'Toys R Us' made wild passionate love everywhere! Not that they have more than average, we just don't have the space to store it.

Don’t get me started on the washing. My washing machine is always on. Between mealtime disasters and poonamis I’m forever rinsing and treating stains. Currently I have up three 3 tier airers in my kitchen, and I have 7 loads of washing that I need to get done! I have recently been looking into getting a tumble dryer. Our kitchen hasn’t the space, so it’ll need to be a washer/ dryer combination. A John Lewis trip is on the cards ASAP!

We also recently applied for planning permission for a loft conversion. Our stupid road has a covernance on it, where we have to apply for planning permission for pretty much everything we do. And although 4 of our neighbours already have the exact same extension, we were refused. We have began the appeal stage, but who knows how long that will take. I hate when things aren’t fair. I’m a very cut and dry person, and I like everything to be given equal chances. When things aren’t I either have steam coming out of my ears, or burst into tears (some may call me an emotional wreck). I don’t handle stress well, and for us to have to live with our current situation for a prolonged amount of time, sets my anxiety off tenfold. 

Adding to my anxiety, I hate my job (sorry if you’re reading this work colleagues). Since I returned from maternity leave my job and the business has changed so much. I don’t earn half the amount I used to, and the office morale is low and it’s appresive to be there. It just makes me miss my babies even more during the day. I’m becoming more and more envious of SAHM. Even of my own mother, who was able to be at home with us. Why are some people in a financial situation to be with their babies everyday. but I can’t? I’d be better off living in a council house, and living off benefits. Instead we have an eye watering amount left to pay on our mortgage. I have even considered becoming a childminder, so I could earn and spend time with the boys, but in our tiny home and Gav working shifts it just doesn’t work. 

We live in a crazy expensive area (St Albans, Hertfordshire) where Gav and I were born and bred.  Our tiny home was recently valued at over £400k. Gav has always been keen to spread his wings and move out of the area, where we can get so much more for our money. I’m a girl who likes to live in my comfort zone, and stepping out to the unknown terrifies me beyoud belief! But since we got refused planning permission, and I’m starting to fall out of love with our home, maybe it’s time to take a leap of faith? Just by moving 30 minutes north we can get a 3/4 bedroom semidetached with a good size garden and a garage, for not much more than our home is worth. 

I’m struggling with my inner demons. I want a home where our family can grow and thrive. But I also feel like I’m going blind into the unknown. How will I know about the schools, crime ratings in an area I’m not aware of? 

2018 could be a scary or an exciting year! Dragging me out of my comfort zone might be scary, but it could be amazing too! 

I’d love to hear from you if you moved away from your home town. How did you know what the area would be like? How was it moving away from everything you knew? What does £400k buy you where you live?